Kim Jong-un’s creepy behavior has now been traced to his brief stint on the Rutgers Basketball Team under Coach Mick Rice, who was fired yesterday, after a video showed him kicking his players, throwing balls in their faces, and screaming homophobic slurs. One of his regular targets, it turns out, was the 5-foot, ¼-inch dictator, whom Rice derisively dubbed “Little Queen.” Kim demanded to play power forward, but Rice told him to “get your G**ky ass over with the point guards,” suggesting he run through the forwards’ legs. Kim couldn’t dribble, and he only passed the ball to his bodyguard. But his threats to shoot were taken so seriously that the other point guards quit the team. Rice rode him mercilessly. “Kim,” he sneered. “That’s a girl’s name. Is it short for Kimberly?” And from then on, his name was “Kimberly,” even though he has a long list of official nicknames that include Outstanding Leader, Great Successor, Brilliant Comrade, Young General, Young Master and Lil Kim (!).
North Korean propaganda insists that Kim went to Rutgers, not to play basketball, but to “learn bullying at one of the best places for that,” and it’s no coincidence that he is threatening nuclear war on the eve of the Final Four, college basketball’s biggest weekend, nor that he has hired Denis Rodman to coach his 2016 Olympic team.
Breaking News: American rapper Lil’ Kim (“Hard Core,” “The Naked Truth”) is suing Kim Jong-un for identity theft.