Breast Man

Annie Leibovitz’s instantly iconic photo of Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair has made bosoms a popular, if controversial, subject once again. It’s easy to see why, as Jenner, wearing a white onesie, strikes a full-frontal pose that enhances her ample cleavage. It’s a startling look, unsettling to many women, such as one who wrote on Facebook, “I fully support Caitlyn Jenner, but I wish she hadn’t chosen to come out as a sex babe.”

And it’s not just women. As I walked home from town yesterday, I caught a glimpse in a store window of a blue T-shirt with what appeared to be two half eggshells sticking out. I looked around and, satisfied I was alone, turned furtively back to my reflection in the window. The T-shirt was mine, and so, therefore, were the two protuberances. I slunk home, horrified. Are these what I parade around town every day?

“You, sir,” I muttered to myself, “are no Caitlyn Jenner.”

For while we tend to think of Jenner as having recently stepped, like Aphrodite, another Olympic goddess, fully formed into the world, her body is 65 years old – and there’s not an ounce of fat on it. Later, as I headed for the shower I glanced at the mirror: where Jenner still has a six-pack, I have jug handles. Why does she make growing old look so easy?

Next, I’ll discuss strategies for how older men can put their pants on without having to sit down and whether the stomach's preferred placement is above or below the belt.